Kaela Willey - Creative Process Blog

Content warning: brief mention of suicide; mental health struggles; abortion.

When I think of the word process, not only does the meaning in this context of creation come to mind, but also the act of processing... which is a process of its own.

If you’re interested in my standard creation process for this work and others, here it is:

• An idea comes to mind. I journal about it. I talk to myself about it, and I talk to others about it too, “What about this? What do I think? What do you think?”

• I brainstorm the many scenarios, shapes, and versions this idea could be. More journaling. More haphazard notes. Daydreaming, an extreme amount.

• The idea takes an early, embryonic form. Perhaps I’m writing a page of a script, or creating a short phrase in the dance studio. Oooo.

• And then, try as I might not to, I begin to despise my idea. I’ll admit, I don’t speak kindly to my own ideas at times. So cliche. So overdone. Boring. Out of reach. Too much. Who would want to watch that? Who is going to understand this? *various gagging and wretching sounds*... At this point, most ideas die here and are not revisited (at least, they haven’t been so far).

• I take a break for a while. Maybe it’s a few days, maybe a few months. Then, something pulls me back into all those notes I wrote, drafts I started, and videos taken of improvisations and creations. If something strikes me as just right, the idea survives.

• Then things get real and I am back into creation mode: The note-taking, the journaling, the daydreaming, and most of all, the dancing! I like to record myself improvising movement, look back at the footage, take moments of what I liked and restructure it as choreography. I see what movement comes to life depending on the type of music I’m playing. I see what flows naturally and what doesn’t. Some days I don’t feel as creative, so I spend the time picking apart what’s already there, making sure it’s more clear and cohesive. Some days I create a lot. Some days are frustrating and nothing seems to work, but I’ve learned these days are important too. They always lead to days where everything makes sense.

• Eventually, a work is created. Tadah!

But for this piece in particular, lifeline, I believe what’s more important is the actual processing I needed to have done in order to start creating this at all.

A couple of years ago, I went through a life changing experience. I found myself at a crossroads, so I made my choice; to this day I am grateful for it, do not regret it, and if I could go back in time I wouldn’t change it. However, both the crossroads and the choice made threw me into depths of complicated grief and questioning I was not prepared for. My so-called “identity” and “dream” of typical womanhood/motherhood had shattered into pieces. This was the most recent of many times in a row that my concept of what I thought my life was supposed to be burned to the ground. Needless to say, I was exhausted and defeated by this latest event. I really really really wanted this trauma conga line to end.

What has stayed with me and struck me the most throughout this time, was that through all this intense struggling and sorting through and healing, I was expected to continue life as normal.

Ballet leotard and tights while I bled more than I ever have.

Acting auditions as the bubbly girl next door while I contemplated ending it all.

Trying (and failing, utterly) to be a good stepmom while I said goodbye to this chance at biomotherhood.

Oh, was I ever barely holding it together... But on the outside, I presented as fine-ish. I felt I had to.

I began to realize this expectation of stoicism existed not just in this one experience, but in so many others that have marked my life as a woman and person. Through the menstruating, the abuse, the pain, the dissociation, the injustice... I have always continued to dance and work and cook and clean and smile as if none of it was happening at all. I concealed everything. I went to great lengths to soak up the overflow and wash out the stains of my experiences so that I would be easier to digest for others, and for myself.

This way of living and hiding has been engrained in me by society since I was born. I felt sick thinking of how long I had lived this way, as if all that pretending and discretion was normal.

My drive in life has always been to break free... to dare to speak and to be when others do not. I was finally understanding that the price of being an easy, quiet, normal woman is, on one hand, having all your bottled up pain eventually explode and engulf you. On the other, it’s never truly following through on my purpose; never becoming who I want to be, who I am meant to be.

I knew that I wanted to speak on these issues, but I needed to start the work of processing all of it before I would be able to.

Processing took many forms. I had the privilege of receiving therapy. I had to unpack and unlearn a lot of what was taught to me. I leaned into my community of asians, queers, women, femmes. I decided to completely dive into and embrace my current family dynamic... nuclear? No. Beautiful, fulfilling, different, true? Yes. I practiced telling my truth more and more; it actually feels great to express the good, bad, ugly, controversial and everything in between, because honesty is so pleasurable and so freeing! I focused on finding simple everyday joys to help my heart heal. There was a lot of crying. Lots of laughing. And yes, much like my creative process: journaling, note-taking, daydreaming, moving, improvising, restructuring. Letting some things die, keeping other things alive.

I still have a lot of processing to do, but at least I can now begin to talk about this experience and my womanhood/personhood as a whole without overwhelming shame. I can start creating the art I want to. I can dare to speak and dare to be, no matter how indigestible that is for others.

Had I chosen to keep all of these experiences inside me, covered with a smile and “Everything’s just fine”, I don’t think there would be a beginning of lifeline.

PROSPECTS: an evening of dance and discussion presents

Lifeline

Created by Kaela Willey
Sunday, October 15, 2023
6:00PM | Door at 5:30pm
Cotton Factory, 2nd Floor
270 Sherman Ave N, Hamilton, ON L8L 6N4
RSVP HERE!